How I Wrap A Gift (With Help From my cats (Bob,Tweek & Stewie)...)
1. Clear large space on table for wrapping present.
2. Go to wardrobe and collect bag from wardrobe.
3. Open door and remove Bob from wardrobe.
4. Go to cupboard and retrieve rolls of wrapping paper.
5. Go back and remove Tweek from cupboard.
6. Go to drawer and collect transparent sticky tape, ribbons, scissors, labels, etc.
7. Lay out presents and wrapping materials on table to enable wrapping strategy to be formed.
8. Go back to drawer to get string. Remove Stewie that has been in the drawer since last visit and collect string.
9. Reopen drawer and remove Tweek.
10. Remove present from bag.
11. Remove Bob from bag.
12. Open box to check present, remove Bob & Tweek from box, replace present.
13. Lay out paper to enable cutting to size.
14. Try to smooth out paper, realize Stewie is underneath and remove cat.
15. Cut the paper to size, trying to keep the cutting line straight.
16. Throw away first sheet as Bob tried to chase the scissors and tore paper.
17. Cut second sheet of paper to size by putting Bob & Tweek in the bag the present came out of.
18. Place present on paper to cut to size.
19. Lift up edges of paper to seal in present, wonder why edges now don't reach and realize Bob is between present and paper. Remove cat and retry.
20. Place object on paper to hold in place while cutting transparent sticky tape.
21. Spend next 20 minutes carefully trying to remove transparent sticky tape from Stewie with pair of nail scissors.
22. Seal paper down with transparent sticky tape, making corners as neat as possible.
23. Look for roll of ribbon, chase Bob down hall in order to retrieve ribbon.
24. Try to wrap present with ribbon in a two directional turn.
25. Re-roll ribbon and remove paper that is now torn due to Tweek's enthusiasm to chase ribbon end.
26. Repeat steps 13 - 20 until down to last sheet of paper.
27. Decide to skip steps 13- 17 in order to save time and reduce risk of loosing last sheet of paper by retrieving old cardboard box that you know is right size for sheet of paper.
28. Put present in box and tie down with string.
29. Remove string, open box and remove Bob.
30. Put all packing materials in bag with present and head for lockable room.
31. Once inside room, lock door and start to re-lay out packing materials.
32. Remove Bob & Tweek from box, unlock door, put cats outside door, close door and re-lock.
33. Repeat previous step as often as necessary until you can hear the cries from the cats outside the door.
34. Lay out last sheet of paper. (I know this is difficult in the small area of the bathroom, but try your best.)
35. Realize that Bob & Tweek have already gotten to the paper. Unlock door, go out and hunt through various cupboards looking for sheets of last year's paper, until you remember that you haven't got any left due to Stewie help with wrapping last year.
36. Retire back to room, lock door and sit on toilet while trying to work out how to make a torn sheet of paper look halfway presentable.
37. Seal box, wrap with paper and start repairs by very carefully sealing down tears with transparent sticky tape. Now tie up with ribbon and decorate with bows to hide worst affected areas.
38. Label, then sit back and admire your handiwork, congratulating yourself on making good of a bad job.
39. Unlock door and go to kitchen to make a drink and feed the cats.
40. Spend the next 15 minutes looking for cats before coming to obvious conclusion...
41. Unwrap present, untie box and remove cats.
42. Retrieve all thrown away sheets of wrapping paper, feed the cats and retire to room for last attempt, making certain you are alone and the door is locked.
43. Find least torn and wrinkled sheets of paper along with the ones that the pattern matches closest.
44. Vainly try and wrap present in patchwork paper. Tie with the now tattered ribbon and decorate with the now limp bows. Label and put present in bag for fear of anyone seeing this disaster.
45. At time of handing over present, smile sweetly at the receiver's face as they try to hide their contempt at being handed such a badly wrapped present.
46. Swear to yourself that next year you will get the store to wrap the darn thing for you!
Dan Emplit WBFD